Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Badge

A pushy DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Walmart Greeter

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm…let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!  :)

Definitions

1. After Marriage: A state in which husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

2. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

3. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

4. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

5. Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.

6. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such away that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

9. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

10. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest, except that he got caught.

11. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

12. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

13. Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

14. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

15. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

18. Father: A banker provided by nature.

19. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

20. Love: Something You can't buy, but pay dearly for it

21. Love Affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

22. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
(Alternate) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

23. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

24. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

25. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

26. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

27. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

28. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

29. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

30. Smile: A facial curve that can set a lot of things straight.

31. Tears: A hydraulic force which makes feminine waterpower to conquer over masculine will-power.

32. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Ini Dia 21 'Manfaat' Merokok!

1. Mendukung program pemerintah dalam mengurangi jumlah penduduk. Mengapa demikian? Tinggal lihat data-data yang dilansir World Health Organization (WHO) : Setiap Menit, 60 Orang Mati Karena Rokok, 100 juta kematian tercatat akibat tembakau pada abad ke 20 lalu. Jika tren ini terus berlanjut, akan ada kenaikan hingga satu miliar kematian pada abad ini, di Indonesia diperkirakan terjadi 1.174 kematian perhari akibat asap rokok.

2. Karena rokok semakin banyak orang menikah (lagi). Hal ini terjadi statistik membuktikan bahwa perokok 53% lebih mungkin untuk mengalami perceraian dibandingkan pasangan yang tidak merokok. Berdasarkan penelitiannya Jerald G. Bachman PhD bahkan berani mengatakan bahwa "smoking is a strong predictor of divorce". Bayangkan siapa saja yang akan diuntungkan? Perusahaan katering, bridal, tempat penyewaan tempat pernikahan akan ikut diuntungkan karena hal ini.

3. Memberikan lapangan kerja tidak hanya bagi buruh rokok, pedagang asongan, pembuat asbak, tapi juga perusahaan obat, dokter, klinik dan rumah sakit. Bayangkan sekali kena serangan jantung bisa habis setidaknya 50 juta untuk perawatan, kalo uangnya ngga ada? Harus bisa ikhlas menerima jantung anda rusak. Bila anda selamat? Bersiaplah untuk hidup dengan kecatatan dan mau minum obat seumur hidup. Bagaimana jika terkena stroke? Harus siap dengan risiko lumpuh seumur hidup dan jadi beban keluarga.

4. Bisa menjadi batu loncatan untuk karir yang lebih tinggi. Peneliti kesehatan dari Universitas Indonesia, Rita Damayanti mengatakan "Rokok adalah batu loncatan (stepping stone) untuk mengambil risiko yang lebih besar. Menurut data penelitian Rita, orang yang pernah merokok akan berisiko 13 kali menenggak alkohol, 7 kali berhubungan seks pranikah, dan 1,3 kali kecanduan narkoba. Hubungan antara rokok dengan kriminalitas. sudah banyak diteliti sejak ratusan tahun yang lalu. Kini statistik membuktikan bahwa 90% pelaku kejahatan adalah perokok. Mungkin tingginya konsumsi rokok di Indonesia menjadi salah satu penyebab merajalelanya korupsi di negeri ini.

5. Mempercepat proses kerja birokrasi pemerintah. Sudah sangat lazim kalo birokrasi di Indonesia terkenal ruwet dan lama.. idiom yg dianut aparat birokrasi adalah: Kalau bisa diperlambat, kenapa harus dipercepat… Tapi semua itu akan berubah drastis ketika ada yg namanya: "uang rokok". Segala urusan birokrasi seperti bikin KTP, SIM atau ngurus surat / administrasi di Kantor-kantor dinas, atau malah ketika ditilang, prosesnya akan cepat dan mudah bila ada "uang rokok".

6. Mengurangi jumlah orang miskin. Saat ini sekitar 71% perokok berasal dari kalangan menengah ke bawah. Di Indonesia Rokok adalah kebutuhan rumah tangga kedua terbesar setelah beras, 25% penghasilan rumah tangga rela dihabiskan orang untuk konsumsi rokok. Karena rokok terbukti menimbulkan beragam penyakit mematikan dan menurunkan usia harapan hidup, jika makin banyak orang miskin yang merokok, maka jumlah orang miskin makin berkurang.

7. Bisa membentuk PARTAI PEROKOK INDONESIA dan memenangkan PEMILU. "Sekitar 31,4 persen atau 72,8 juta jiwa penduduk Indonesia adalah perokok," ungkap Tjandra Yoga Aditama, dokter ahli paru-paru dari Rumah Sakit Persahabatan. Bila perokok Indonesia buat partai sendiri maka mereka akan akan bisa memenangkan pemilu.

8. Membantu program Keluarga Berencana. Kerena merokok bisa mengganggu kehamilan dan menyebabkan Impotensi. Selain itu rokok juga dapat menurunkan produksi dan motilitas (kemampuan gerak) sperma. Sehingga bagi perokok yang ternyata kesulitan punya anak silahkan dicoba berhenti merokok, bila masih gagal silahkan berkonsultasi dengan dokter ahli fertilitas.

9. Melatih kesabaran dan menambah semangat pantang menyerah karena bagi pemula merokok itu tidak mudah; batuk-batuk dan tersedak, setelah keenakan dan diteruskan malahan susah berhenti. Sehingga selamat bagi anda yang merokok, mau mulai atau berhenti akan selalu dipenuhi kesusahan dan penuh perjuangan.

10. Anti maling, karena rokok dapat mengakibatkan kerusakan pita suara yang menetap serta keganasan pada lidah, mulut, pita suara, tenggorokan dan paru-paru. Suara perokok yang serak disertai batuk berat di malam hari dipastikan cukup menakutkan untuk menakuti penjahat.

11. Membuat awet muda, karena perokok umumnya meninggal muda. Rokok terbukti dapat mengakibatkan 1001 macam penyakit seperti keganasan, penyakit paru, penyakit jantung, penyakit pembuluh darah, stroke, dsb. Karena hal itu Usia harapan hidup perokok rata-rata lebih rendah dibanding mereka yang tidak merokok.

12. Membantu menyuburkan industri kecantikan. Bayangkan gara-gara rokok parfum yang bisa menyamarkan bau rokok laku keras, gigi yang menguning membutuhkan pasta gigi khusus, kulit yang lebih cepat menua membutuhkan perawatan khusus, rambut yang lebih cepat rontok dan beruban juga akan membutuhkan beragam produk shampoo atau cat rambut.

13. Melaris-maniskan klinik gigi. Asap Rokok mengandung amonia, hidrogen sianida, karbon monoksida, nikotin dan tar – semuanya adalah racun berbahaya. Jika anda merokok coba iseng-iseng lewatkan asap rokok ke tisu putih, tidak lama warnanya akan berubah kuning. Hal yang sama terjadi di gigi, gigi akan berubah kuning dan kelamaan akan menghitam karena timbul karang gigi (kalkulus), ini bisa timbul akibat penumpukan tar / aspal di gigi perokok. Beragam racun yang ada pada asap rokok tadi akan menganggu fungsi tubuh untuk memperbaiki dirinya, efek vasokonstriktif yang ditimbulkan dapat mengganggu peredaran darah sehingga oksigen dan nutrien yang dibutuhkan jaringan gusi terganggu. Proses akhirnya Gigi perokok akan kuning, dipenuhi karang gigi, mudah mengalami infeksi, bau tak sedap (halitosis), dan mudah tanggal dibandingkan mereka yang tidak merokok.

14. Mempermudah proses menyeleksian pegawai. Karena rokok diketahui dapat menimbulkan beragam permasalahan kesehatan perusahaan asiransi pun tidak mau ambil risiko, mereka akan menyeleksi peserta asuransi yang merokok melalui beragam pemeriksaan kesehatan yang lebih banyak untuk menyingkirkan berbagai kelainan yang mungkin dimiliki dan menetapkan premi asuransi yang lebih besar untuk perokok. Risiko mendapat pegawai yang nantinya sakitan dan berpotensi meninggal muda karena rokok terlalu besar untuk ditanggung perusahaan.

15. Mempermudah proses pemilihan pimimpin dalam Pemilu. Beragam penelitian dibidang psikologi telah menemukan bahwa perokok "memiliki kesulitan untuk belajar dan berpikir dalam konsep yang tinggi" dan ketika dihadapkan pada suatu permasalahan "lebih mungkin untuk panik" dibandingkan mereka yang tidak merokok. Jadi jika ingin negara kita benar pilihlah mereka yang tidak merokok.

16. Turut menyukseskan perekonomian (China). Ternyata begitu besarnya kebutuhan Industri Rokok akan tembakau, 1/3 kebutuhan tembakau dalam Negeri masih diimpor dari luar negeri – dan nilai ini terus bertambah setiap tahunnya. Perusahaan rokok yang sudah sangat diuntungkan masih serakah dan ingin mendapat untung besar dengan mengimpor Tembakau dari China yang jauh lebih murah dari harga tembakau dalam negeri.

17. Mencetak banyak konglomerat Indonesia. Ternyata Industri rokok sangat menguntungkan, bayangkan dua bersaudara Michael Budi Hartono & Michael Bambang Hartono pemilik Djarum Super berhasil mengeruk untung yang sangat besar dari pelanggannya yang kebanyakan adalah orang tak mampu, berhasil menguasai raksasa perbankan Indonesia BCA dan menjadi orang 2 terkaya di Indonesia. Konglomerat rokok lainnya yang masuk ke jajaran orang terkaya Indonesia adalah Susilo Wonowidjojo pemilik Gudang Garam dan Putra Sampoerna yang tadinya pemilik HM Sampoerna. Bagaimana dengan para petani tembakau? Tetap miskin dari dulu sampai sekarang. Bagaimana dengan pelanggannya? Semakin miskin dan sakit karena rokok.

18. Rokok turut memajukan kegiatan Sekolah / Kemahasiswaan / Kemasyarakatan, keseniaan / olah raga dan bahkan Industri Musik Indonesia. Jika hendak mengadakan kegiatan silahkan hubungi perusahaan rokok, mereka pasti dengan senang hati akan membantu, syaratnya adalah mereka bisa pasang spanduk rokok dan mengirim SPG cantik untuk turut meramaikan kegiatan. Wah siapa yang akan menolak, tidak perlu penggalangan dana sudah dikasih duit banyak dengan persyaratan ringan. Acara berlangsung sukses sementara booth perusahaan rokok akan dikunjungi banyak orang karena ada pembagian rokok gratis dan ada SPG yang cantik dan menarik. Ini adalah salah satu cara Industri rokok mendapatkan pelanggan tetapnya, anak-anak muda yang masih labil dengan mudah mau mencoba rokok karena teman atau idolanya merokok. Mereka masuk kedalam perangkap Industri Rokok dan akhirnya mmengembangkan ketergantungan seumur hidupnya. Survei Global Youth Tobacco di Indonesia menunjukkan peningkatan prevalensi perokok remaja usia 13-15 naik lebih dari 1,5 lipat selama kurun waktu tiga tahun, yakni dari 12,6 persen tahun 2006 menjadi 20,3 persen tahun 2009.

19. Rokok kemajukan bisnis konstruksi. Karena gara-gara rokok, penyedia gedung publik harus menyediakan ruangan khusus perokok, pemilik cafe & resto juga harus menyediakan ruangan yang terpisah untuk mereka yang merokok dan tidak merokok. Beragam penelitian membuktikan bahwa dampak paparan rokok pasif tidak kalah berbahaya dibandingkan merokok secara aktif. Istri seorang perokok memiliki risiko yang jauh lebih besar untuk mendapatkan kanker paru, bayi yang terpapar asap rokok memiliki risiko yang lebih tinggi untuk meninggal mendadak. Jadi wajarlah bila kami yang tidak merokok seringkali gusar bila tetangga sebelah merokok seenaknya. Jika anda masih berniat untuk merokok silahkan, tapi mohon jangan didekat kami yang tidak merokok atau keluarga anda karena kami punya hak untuk hidup dengan udara yang bersih.

20. Rokok memajukan bisnis periklanan Indonesia. Rokok adalah salah satu produk yang paling banyak diiklankan di Indonesia. Silahkan dicek dijalanan yang anda lalui ada berapa banyak reklame rokok atau warung yang dipasangi iklan rokok. Iklan rokok selalu bercerita tentang rasa setia kawan yang kuat antar perokok pada kenyataannya tanpa rokok pun kita bisa memiliki sahabat baik yang bisa setia. Iklan rokok juga menceritakan kesuksesan yang diraih seseorang karena merokok, pada kenyataannya pola pikir perokok berat pada banyak penelitian terbukti terganggu dibanding mereka yang tidak merokok, para pemilik perusahaan rokok yang benar-benar sukses dan berumur panjang tidak merokok. Orang yang dulu muncul di iklan rokok Marlboro kini adalah aktivis anti rokok sudah meninggal akibat kanker. Berapa banyak iklan layanan masyarakat yang mengingingatkan kita tentang bahaya merokok? Praktis tidak ada. Mudah-mudahan tulisan saya dibaca perokok atau keluarganya sehingga bisa jadi semangat untuk bisa hidup tanpa rokok.

21. Rokok adalah sumber pendapatan negara yang besar, untuk tahun 2013 saja target penerimaan cukai rokok adalah 88 trilyun. Sepertinya besar sekali ya? Walau demikian cukai rokok Indonesia termasuk yang terendah di dunia. Harga rata-rata sebungkus rokok di Indonesia hanya sekitar Rp 10.000 / bungkus – hanya 1/3 harga rokok di malaysia atau 1/8 harga rokok di Singapura. Untuk sebuah produk yang banyak membawa dampak buruk terhadap kesehatan dan menimbulkan ketergantungan yang sulit dihilangkan harga rokok di Indonesia masih terlalu murah sehingga bisa dikonsumsi oleh sebagian besar masyarakat tidak mampu dan bahkan anak-anak.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' � which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Technically there are 7 TYPES OF LADIES:

1. HARD DISK lady: Remembers everything forever.
2. RAM lady: Forgets about you the moment you turn off.
3. SCREENSAVER lady: Just for looking.
4. INTERNET lady: Difficult to access.
5. SERVER lady: Always busy when needed
6. MULTIMEDIA lady: Looks beautiful but you can only look.
7. VIRUS lady: This type of lady is normally called 'WIFE', once enters your system, never leaves even if the system is formatted.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

EASY HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

still not ready?

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.

She changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas' and slippers, made herself a coffee and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.
There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late . . . and you're still not ready?"

difference between slow down and stop

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The
sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Good Answer

Johnny was on high speed, he got to an
Army checkpoint without slowing down, so
they told him to park his car and ordered him
to carry 1,000 blocks from one Side of the
road to the other side. After carrying 990
blocks, Johnny noticed that their boss was his
Primary School classmate Jimmy, so Johnny
went to complain to him, The boss, Jimmy
was really angry with what his Boys did to his
Long time classmate, So he asked Johnny
"have you started carrying the blocks?"
Johnny answered ''I have carried 990 already,
Jimmy said" Please don't be angry, 'RETURN
THEM BACK TO WHERE YOU CARRIED THEM'

Weird Similarities.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."

Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.

GREAT DEFINITIONS:

SCHOOL :
A place where Parents pay and children play.

LIFE INSURANCE :
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

NURSE :
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

MARRIAGE :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters..

TEAR :
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.

CONFERENCE :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

FATHER :
A banker provided by nature.

CRIMINAL :
A person no different from the rest ....except that he/she got caught.

BOSS :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early !!!!

POLITICIAN :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence there after.

DOCTOR :
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Human Ages

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again, saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... would that be okay? "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So... that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves....

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years....

we sit on the front porch and 'bark' at everyone.

Friday, January 10, 2014

10 SIMPLE RULES TO DATING MY DAUGHTER:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.