A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu "I'd like one under cooked egg so that it's running, and one over cooked egg that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee." that's a complicated order sir, said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult." The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
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Friday, November 30, 2012
Mario Bros
Today I realized that Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs around in sewers, beats up people for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms!
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Microsoft Answer
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Go To Balcony
Man's neighbor- Why do you always go to balcony when your wife starts singing?
Man- So that no one would think I'm beating her.
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Man- So that no one would think I'm beating her.
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''Make yourself at home,"
When I'm at someones place and they say ''Make yourself at home,"
I kick them out of the house......... because I hate visitors!
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I kick them out of the house......... because I hate visitors!
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Four old Catholic women
Four old Catholic women sit and brag about their sons.
The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"
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http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman says, "My incredibly handsome son is 6' 2 with broad, square shoulders, good manners and impeccable style. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'Oh my God!'"
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Thursday, November 29, 2012
FBI
Barry this made me think of a moment when Roberta Jenkins came running up to me and a friend frantic saying hide me hide me the FBI is after me we said the FBI? she said yeah "my mother fat, black and ignorant"! we about died laughing
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How to Cook
Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why?
Wife : Yesterday I gave him food, and today he gave me a book on "How to Cook"
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Husband : Why?
Wife : Yesterday I gave him food, and today he gave me a book on "How to Cook"
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Helping my friend...
My friend who was being beaten by two guys saw me and he yelled "Are you just gonna stand there and do nothing?!".
So I made his video.
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So I made his video.
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
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Haircuts competition
Two barber shops, within two blocks of each other, were in red hot competition.
One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 5-dollars.
His competitor put up one that read...
"We repair 5-dollars hair cuts."
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One put up a sign advertising haircuts for 5-dollars.
His competitor put up one that read...
"We repair 5-dollars hair cuts."
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Problem with frequent gas and ...
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
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Smart Way for Digging
An old farmer wrote a letter 2 his innocent son in prison:
"This year I'm unable 2 plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if u were here u would've helped me."
Son Replied: "U idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden the guns there."
Police read the letter, next day the ground was dug by the police, searched for guns but nothing was found.
Son wrote again: "now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here.
"Where there's a Will, there's a Way"
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"This year I'm unable 2 plant potatoes because I can't dig the ground. I know if u were here u would've helped me."
Son Replied: "U idiot, don't dig the ground, I have hidden the guns there."
Police read the letter, next day the ground was dug by the police, searched for guns but nothing was found.
Son wrote again: "now plant your potatoes dad, its the best I could do from here.
"Where there's a Will, there's a Way"
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A Talking Frog
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
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Ugly faces
Teacher: Billy stop making ugly faces at other students.
Billy:Why?
Teacher:Because when I was your age I was told if I make ugly faces it will stay that way.
Billy: Well I can see you didn't listen..
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Billy:Why?
Teacher:Because when I was your age I was told if I make ugly faces it will stay that way.
Billy: Well I can see you didn't listen..
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Fantastic Machine
One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
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His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."
The guy figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant....twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And.... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better!
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http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Two wishes
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual ?
" asks the bartender."Well , it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says
the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this
old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you
live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual ?
" asks the bartender."Well , it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says
the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender.
Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this
old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you
live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
!!..Breakup Story..!!
Girl : Hi Baby .. :)
Boy : Hi My lovely .. (Sending failed)
... Girl : Are you here?
Boy : Yes Yes im here (sending failed)
Girl : Are you ignoring me or what!!!
Boy : Honey im not... Im right
here... / / (Sending failed)
She: It's over; dont you ever talk to me
again!
Him : Damn ! Go to hell :@ ( Message
sent )
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Boy : Hi My lovely .. (Sending failed)
... Girl : Are you here?
Boy : Yes Yes im here (sending failed)
Girl : Are you ignoring me or what!!!
Boy : Honey im not... Im right
here... / / (Sending failed)
She: It's over; dont you ever talk to me
again!
Him : Damn ! Go to hell :@ ( Message
sent )
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http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Remember the jewelry store
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.
Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said,
"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it.
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LuV STORY OF ENGINEER: :p
I was in 12th
She was in 12th
I got B.Tech
She got BBA
I was doing B.Tech
She got MBA
I was preparing 4 M.TECH entrance
She got married
I m doing M.TECH
She's d mother of 2 children
I got PH.D
Her daughter is in 1st stndrd,
I became DOCTRATE
Hr daughtr passd 10th,
I hav joined job.
Hr Daughtr joined College.
The Greatest irony-
.
.
Today is my ENGAGEMENT
& Her daughtr is my WIFE ;)
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http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
She was in 12th
I got B.Tech
She got BBA
I was doing B.Tech
She got MBA
I was preparing 4 M.TECH entrance
She got married
I m doing M.TECH
She's d mother of 2 children
I got PH.D
Her daughter is in 1st stndrd,
I became DOCTRATE
Hr daughtr passd 10th,
I hav joined job.
Hr Daughtr joined College.
The Greatest irony-
.
.
Today is my ENGAGEMENT
& Her daughtr is my WIFE ;)
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Smart Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. He searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if
you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references. He searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Blonde on Football Game
A guy took his *blonde* girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like ...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
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How to become church members
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no prob
lem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no prob
lem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Geometry
Teacher: "Little Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, 'geometry.'"
Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
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Little Johnny: "A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, 'Gee, I'm a tree.'"
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"Where is Jesus today?"
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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English is Difficult
Who said English is easy?
Fill in with one word
_________ i am not reading this
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Fill in with one word
_________ i am not reading this
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Clock of Lies
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.''
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.He only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in His office... He's using it as a ceiling fan.'''
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When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, ''We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told.''
Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice.He only told two lies in his life.
Hillary asked ''Where is Bill's clock?''
St. Peter replied, ''Jesus has it in His office... He's using it as a ceiling fan.'''
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A Push
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door. The husband rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's 3:30 a.m. He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" calls the man.
The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."
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When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there. "Hi ya," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"Get lost," says the man. "It's half-past three."
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk. She says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man's door? What would've happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
So, the husband gets back out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and calls out, "Hey, do you still want a push?" A voice answers, "Yes, please."
"Where are you?" calls the man.
The stranger replies, "I'm over here -- on your swing set."
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Discrimination
It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did.
Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.
Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.''
The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.''
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Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.
Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.''
The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.''
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Price of Brain
In the hospital relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover
the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down price of female brains, because they've actually been used.'
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"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover
the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down price of female brains, because they've actually been used.'
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One Wish
A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish.
I said, 'No shit!'''
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''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish.
I said, 'No shit!'''
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Bottom Deodorant
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."
"
But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
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"
But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
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Christmas Wish
The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap. Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but he smiled very nicely at her and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?'
"Something for my mother, pleeease," replied young lady sweetly.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do would you like me to bring her?'"
Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, "A millionaire son-in-law."
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"Something for my mother, pleeease," replied young lady sweetly.
"Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do would you like me to bring her?'"
Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, "A millionaire son-in-law."
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Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.
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He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman.
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Blind Man and His Dog
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around.
Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated.
One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''
The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''What does it look like I'm doing? Are you blind? I'm looking around.''
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Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked. The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated.
One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''
The man turned toward the teller and simply said ''What does it look like I'm doing? Are you blind? I'm looking around.''
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Time to Talk
A recent study showed that the average husband only actually speaks to his wife about thirty-seven minutes each week.
Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean... just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
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Well, yeah, I can believe that, I mean... just how long does it take to say "Uh-huh" or "Yes dear" or "I'm sorry" ?
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Reasons why Beer is better than Women
According to MEN, there are 15 reasons why BEER is better than WOMEN
1. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
2. When you go to a bar you can always pick up another beer
3. A beer won't get upset when you come home and have beer on your breath
4. If you pour a beer just right, you'll always get a good head
5. Hangovers go away
6. When you're finished with a beer, the bottle is worth 5 cents
7. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
8. A beer always goes down easy
9. You can share a beer with your friends
10. Beer is always wet
11. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
12. A frigid beer is a good beer
13. You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty
14. You can enjoy a beer all month long
15. You don't have to wine and dine a beer
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1. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
2. When you go to a bar you can always pick up another beer
3. A beer won't get upset when you come home and have beer on your breath
4. If you pour a beer just right, you'll always get a good head
5. Hangovers go away
6. When you're finished with a beer, the bottle is worth 5 cents
7. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
8. A beer always goes down easy
9. You can share a beer with your friends
10. Beer is always wet
11. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
12. A frigid beer is a good beer
13. You can have more than one beer and not feel guilty
14. You can enjoy a beer all month long
15. You don't have to wine and dine a beer
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Christmas Present
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.
"Something I can drive would be nice." she smiled.
Right, a golf ball it is then.
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"Something I can drive would be nice." she smiled.
Right, a golf ball it is then.
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Twins
Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two
more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
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"I'm from Ireland."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin."
"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two
more.
"Where in Dublin are you from?"
"The East Side."
"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.
"Where on the East Side are you from?"
"McDonagh Street."
"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"
"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
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GUYU DILUK ae..!
Wanita jangan terlalu percaya dengan ucapan laki-laki.....
di saat usiamu 18 th dia akan berbisik di telingamu;
" I MISS YOU "
karena anda masih cantik.
Tp di saat usiamu 61th n sdh keriput ucapan itu akan mengalami sedikit pergeseran, dia akan BERTERIAK di telingamu;
" A MIS LU ". ..
Pada usiamu 18th dia akan mengigit di telingamu pelan2 sambil berucap;
" I LOVE YOU ",
tapi pada usiamu 61 th dia akan mengigit telingamu keras2 sambil berucap ;
" A LOT LU ".....
"JANGAN ditiru lho yaaa.."
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di saat usiamu 18 th dia akan berbisik di telingamu;
" I MISS YOU "
karena anda masih cantik.
Tp di saat usiamu 61th n sdh keriput ucapan itu akan mengalami sedikit pergeseran, dia akan BERTERIAK di telingamu;
" A MIS LU ". ..
Pada usiamu 18th dia akan mengigit di telingamu pelan2 sambil berucap;
" I LOVE YOU ",
tapi pada usiamu 61 th dia akan mengigit telingamu keras2 sambil berucap ;
" A LOT LU ".....
"JANGAN ditiru lho yaaa.."
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Double Demise
Wanda and Sylvia are talking in heaven. "Hi,Sylvia, how did you die?" Asks Wanda. "I froze to death," replies Sylvia.
"How horrible!" Says Wanda.
"Oh, it wasn't so bad," says Sylvia.
"After - quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What abou you?"
"I died of a massive heart attack," says Wanda. "I suspected my husband was cheating,so I came home early to catch him in the act. But he was all by himself watching TV in the den."
"So what happened?"
"Well, I was so sure there was another woman that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic, down the basement, went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I'd looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
"Wow," says Sylvia. "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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"How horrible!" Says Wanda.
"Oh, it wasn't so bad," says Sylvia.
"After - quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What abou you?"
"I died of a massive heart attack," says Wanda. "I suspected my husband was cheating,so I came home early to catch him in the act. But he was all by himself watching TV in the den."
"So what happened?"
"Well, I was so sure there was another woman that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic, down the basement, went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I'd looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died."
"Wow," says Sylvia. "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
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Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Dial-a-diet
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose half a kilo right now, press "one" 18.000 times
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Thursday, November 22, 2012
SURVEY LSI LELAKI MAPAN TERNYATA TIDAK PERNAH SELINGKUH
Sebuah fakta yg menunjukkan makin modern jaman ternyata makin membuat laki2 setia.
Update hasil survey LSI :
Pria mapan Indonesia terbukti 100 % TIDAK pernah melakukan SELINGKUH.
Coverage:
Survey dilaksanakan di seluruh kota besar di Indonesia. Sample diambil scr random/acak, melibatkan 50.000 responden.
Metode: Direct interview.
Wawancara langsung terhadap responden saat DIDAMPINGI istri masing2...
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Update hasil survey LSI :
Pria mapan Indonesia terbukti 100 % TIDAK pernah melakukan SELINGKUH.
Coverage:
Survey dilaksanakan di seluruh kota besar di Indonesia. Sample diambil scr random/acak, melibatkan 50.000 responden.
Metode: Direct interview.
Wawancara langsung terhadap responden saat DIDAMPINGI istri masing2...
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
Didominasi Istri
Setelah hari kiamat para malaikat diperintahkan Ʈuнan mengumpulkan para suami, untuk mendata bagaimana besarnya dominasi suami terhadap istri...Seorang malaikat berkata: "Coba para suami bentuk dua barisan, satu barisan untuk suami yang mendominasi istri dan satu barisan lagi untuk suami yang didominasi istri..!!
Kemudian malaikat memeriksa barisan dan melihat hanya ada satu suami yang berada pada barisan "suami yang mendominasi istri", yang lainnya berada dalam barisan "suami yang didominasi istri"..
Melihat itu marahlah malaikat: "Sungguh mengecewakan...!!>:O bukankah suami diciptakan untuk menjadi pemimpin atas istrinya...? Bukan sebaliknya..!! Lihat pria ini, kalian seharusnya mencontoh pria satu ini..!!"
Lalu malaikat berkata pada orang tsb: "Kau membuatku bangga.. :D (y)
, katakan bagaimana cara hidupmu sehingga hanya engkau yang berada di barisan ini ?" :)
Pria itu berkata: "Nggak tahu, tadi saya DISURUH istri saya berdiri di sini, gak boleh kemana²...
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Kemudian malaikat memeriksa barisan dan melihat hanya ada satu suami yang berada pada barisan "suami yang mendominasi istri", yang lainnya berada dalam barisan "suami yang didominasi istri"..
Melihat itu marahlah malaikat: "Sungguh mengecewakan...!!>:O bukankah suami diciptakan untuk menjadi pemimpin atas istrinya...? Bukan sebaliknya..!! Lihat pria ini, kalian seharusnya mencontoh pria satu ini..!!"
Lalu malaikat berkata pada orang tsb: "Kau membuatku bangga.. :D (y)
, katakan bagaimana cara hidupmu sehingga hanya engkau yang berada di barisan ini ?" :)
Pria itu berkata: "Nggak tahu, tadi saya DISURUH istri saya berdiri di sini, gak boleh kemana²...
http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Monday, November 12, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
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