Monday, December 8, 2014

Difference between man and women


Two Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had an awesome evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill, so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all that, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

15 WAYS TO PISS ME OFF: (Hilarious)


ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

THREE
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

FOUR
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

FIVE
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor.

SIX
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

SEVEN
When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

EIGHT
When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

TEN
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears!

ELEVEN
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

THIRTEEN
McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser.

FOURTEEN
When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off!

FIFTEEN
When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper I'll pay you back' It's one god damn piece of paper you retards, I don't want it back!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Dialog Dengan Hantu

Dialog Dengan Hantu
_____

0RANG: "Mengapa anda sering menakut-nakuti manusia tetapi anda juga cepet menghilang ?"

HANTU: "Kami hanya ingin berkenalan dgn orang & mengadakan bisnis antar lain dunia, tetapi ketika kami baru menyapa kebanyakan mereka langsung kabur. mungkin karena sangking jeleknya"

ORANG: "Tapi mengapa anda sering muncul di kamera" ?"

HANTU: "Kalau hal itu kami hanya ingin eksis saja didunia manusia. Karena didunia hantu tidak ada kamera, jadi pas ada acara yg berbau mistis kami kami tampil deh, biar eksis kaya artis hantu lainya seperti:
SUSTER NGESOT,
SIMANIS JEMBATAN ANCOL,
POCONG dll".

ORANG: "Apakah didunia hantu tdk ada internet ?"

HANTU: "Kalau didunia hantu ada internet, kami akan nengupload sendiri foto" kami."

ORANG: "Ini yg sering terjadi, mengapa anda sering merasuki raga seseorang ?"

HANTU: "Kami melakukan hal itukepada orang yg pikiranya kosong & jika kami masuk kan minimal kami dapat berfikir dgn pikiran manusia. Ya maklumlah IQ kami tdk lebih dari 20."

ORANG: "Ohya, mengapa anda sering bersemayam d pohon" besar ?"

HANTU: "Ide itu kami dapatkan pada ilmu biologi yg mengatakan bahwa tumbuhan bernafas megeluarkan karbon dioksida & mengeluarkan oksigen. Jadi kami bersemayam dipohon" besar karena udaranya sangat sejuk."

ORANG: "Anda juga kedapatan sering menghuni rumah" kosong, bagaimana anda menjelaskanya?"

HANTU: "Anda tahu sendiri kontrakan mahal. Jadi terpaksa deh kami menghuni rumah" kosong."

ORANG: "Terimakasih banyak atas kehadiran anda."

HANTU: "Ya sama" capcus ciiin."


Gilaaaaaa kalah gaul gue ma Hantu,
Dasar hantu Gila Loe !
Hahahaaa

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Berikut tips arus balik yang akan kami paparkan untuk anda.

1. Jika menggunakan Pesawat atau
Kapal Laut, usahakan jangan turun
ditengah perjalanan.

2. Jika menggunakan Bis, pastikan
wujudnya Panjang, Rodanya gede
dan banyak jg Banyak Jendelanya, Jika tdk, boleh jadi itu cuma Odong2

3. Hati2 terhadap Penumpang yg
Berbaik Hati menawarkan
Minuman/Makanan. Usahakan
minta "Mentahnya" aja biar aman
sekalian buat sangu.

4. Untuk meminimalisasi gendam/
Hipnotis usahakan jgn menatap
Mata Orang yg blm dikenal. Jika dia
Wanita tatap Dadanya saja

Monday, July 28, 2014

Great One Liners to think about. Have you got a favourite?

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work.

Monday, June 23, 2014

THINGS MY CHILDREN HAVE TAUGHT ME:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

“Who is the most obedient?"

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."

Thursday, June 5, 2014

NEWTON'S UNWRITTEN LAWS:

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIO MECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Moral of the story

Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops."

"She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk.

"Do you want to go to heaven?"

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"

He then approached a second man. Father Murphy asked, "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

Simple Home Remedies for you!

If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Assassin Test

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them....

Friday, May 30, 2014

17 types of people on facebook:

1) The "Lurker" - Never posts anything or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they... see you in public.
... ...
2) The "Hyena" - Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
...
3) "Mr/Ms Popular" - Has 4367 friends for NO reason

4) The "Gamer" - Plays Poker, Candy Crush, Farmville, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)

5)The "Prophet" - Every post makes reference to God or Jesus

6) The "Thief" - Steals status updates.. and will probably steal this one.

7) The "Cynic" - Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.

8) The "Collector" - Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

9) The "Promoter" - Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.

10) The "Liker" - Never actually says anything, buy always clicks the "like" button

11) The "Hater" - Every post revolves around someone hating on them, and they swear people are trying to ruin their life

12) The "Anti-Proofreader" - This person would benefit greatly from Spellcheck, and sometimes you feel bad for them because you don't know if they were typing fast, or really cant spell.

13) "Drama Queen/ King" - This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story.

14) "Womp Womp" - This person consistently tries to be funny...but never is.

15) The "News" - Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary

16) The "Rooster" - Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.

17) The "Weatherman" - Always has to inform you about the weather outside, as if you're locked in a padded cell without windows.

Women are so much smarter than men

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, ...




three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Nasehat dan petuah bijak

● Berhentilah menuntut ilmu, karena ilmu tidak bersalah.
● Jangan membalas budi karena belum tentu budi yang melakukannya.
● Jangan mengarungi lautan, karena karung lebih cocok untuk beras.
● Berhenti juga menimba ilmu, karena ilmu tidak ada di dalam sumur
● Yang paling penting, jangan lupa daratan, karena kalau lupa daratan akan tinggal dimana...???
● Jangan ngurusin orang karena belum tentu orang itu pengen kurus.
● Dan janganlah bangga menjadi atasan. Karena di Pasar Turi atasan 10rb dapat 3

Sunday, May 11, 2014

In The Court

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Foolish Rich Man

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Importance of the BRA:

Q: Which is the striped BRA?
zeBRA
Q: Poisonous BRA?
coBRA
Q: Mathematical BRA?
algeBRA
Q: Sunsign BRA?
liBRA
Q: Magical BRA?
aaBRA ka daBRA
Q: Religious BRA?
BRAhmin
Q: Metallic bra?
BRAss
Q: Anjelina Jolie's Bra?
BRAd Pitt
Q: Botany BRA?
BRAnch
Q: Marketing BRA?
BRAnd
Q: Puctuation bra?
BRAcket
Q: A room where BRA's are kept?
LiBRAry
Q: Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world?
aBRAham Lincoln
Q: Which bra is very important for any vehicle?
BRAke

AND U THOUGHT ONLY WOMEN USE BRA, How BRAin less.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

How to get rid of telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

masculine or feminine

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Monday, February 10, 2014

HATI2 KALO BIKIN PENGUMUMAN..!

UDIN Hilanggg...

"Mbak tolong dong.., umumkan bapaknya anak2 terpisah dari keluarga..!" Kata Siti kepada petugas di Bagian Informasi di Kebun Binatang Surabaya..

Petugas: "Ya bu...tadi bapak terakhir berpisah dimana.?" Siti: "Itu disana di deket kandang monyet"..

Petugas: "Nama bapak siapa ?". Siti: "pak Udin.!"

Petugas: " ya udah....ibu sekarang kembali saja ke tempat tadi terakhir pisah ya.., nanti saya umumkan panggilan utk bapak UDIN.!".

Sesaat kemudian petugas tsb mengumumkan lewat pengeras suara yg terpasang dimana mana.. Bunyi pengumuman: "PANGGILAN UNTUK BAPAK UDIN....HARAP KEMBALI KE KANDANG MONYET.... KARENA SUDAH DITUNGGU KELUARGANYA !".

Monday, February 3, 2014

God is watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

A Precious Little Girl

A precious little girl, with two missing teeth, walks into Pet Smart and asks the owner, "Excuthe me mithter, do you have any widdle wabbits?"
As his heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, crosses her arms,
Leans forward and says;

"It dothn't weally matter, I don't think my python givth a thit."

The Disaster

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Babies Name

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies...

"DeNephew."

Sunday, February 2, 2014

HAVE YOU EVER WONDERED:

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Badge

A pushy DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Walmart Greeter

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied the interviewer. 'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man.

'Hmmm…let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s**t my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!  :)

Definitions

1. After Marriage: A state in which husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

2. Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

3. Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

4. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.

5. Classic: A book which people praises, but do not read.

6. Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

7. Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such away that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

8. Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

9. Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.

10. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest, except that he got caught.

11. Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.

12. Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

13. Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

14. Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

15. Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

16. Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

17. Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

18. Father: A banker provided by nature.

19. Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".

20. Love: Something You can't buy, but pay dearly for it

21. Love Affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five-day test.

22. Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.
(Alternate) Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!

23. Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

24. Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

25. Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

26. Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

27. Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

28. Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

29. Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

30. Smile: A facial curve that can set a lot of things straight.

31. Tears: A hydraulic force which makes feminine waterpower to conquer over masculine will-power.

32. Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Ini Dia 21 'Manfaat' Merokok!

1. Mendukung program pemerintah dalam mengurangi jumlah penduduk. Mengapa demikian? Tinggal lihat data-data yang dilansir World Health Organization (WHO) : Setiap Menit, 60 Orang Mati Karena Rokok, 100 juta kematian tercatat akibat tembakau pada abad ke 20 lalu. Jika tren ini terus berlanjut, akan ada kenaikan hingga satu miliar kematian pada abad ini, di Indonesia diperkirakan terjadi 1.174 kematian perhari akibat asap rokok.

2. Karena rokok semakin banyak orang menikah (lagi). Hal ini terjadi statistik membuktikan bahwa perokok 53% lebih mungkin untuk mengalami perceraian dibandingkan pasangan yang tidak merokok. Berdasarkan penelitiannya Jerald G. Bachman PhD bahkan berani mengatakan bahwa "smoking is a strong predictor of divorce". Bayangkan siapa saja yang akan diuntungkan? Perusahaan katering, bridal, tempat penyewaan tempat pernikahan akan ikut diuntungkan karena hal ini.

3. Memberikan lapangan kerja tidak hanya bagi buruh rokok, pedagang asongan, pembuat asbak, tapi juga perusahaan obat, dokter, klinik dan rumah sakit. Bayangkan sekali kena serangan jantung bisa habis setidaknya 50 juta untuk perawatan, kalo uangnya ngga ada? Harus bisa ikhlas menerima jantung anda rusak. Bila anda selamat? Bersiaplah untuk hidup dengan kecatatan dan mau minum obat seumur hidup. Bagaimana jika terkena stroke? Harus siap dengan risiko lumpuh seumur hidup dan jadi beban keluarga.

4. Bisa menjadi batu loncatan untuk karir yang lebih tinggi. Peneliti kesehatan dari Universitas Indonesia, Rita Damayanti mengatakan "Rokok adalah batu loncatan (stepping stone) untuk mengambil risiko yang lebih besar. Menurut data penelitian Rita, orang yang pernah merokok akan berisiko 13 kali menenggak alkohol, 7 kali berhubungan seks pranikah, dan 1,3 kali kecanduan narkoba. Hubungan antara rokok dengan kriminalitas. sudah banyak diteliti sejak ratusan tahun yang lalu. Kini statistik membuktikan bahwa 90% pelaku kejahatan adalah perokok. Mungkin tingginya konsumsi rokok di Indonesia menjadi salah satu penyebab merajalelanya korupsi di negeri ini.

5. Mempercepat proses kerja birokrasi pemerintah. Sudah sangat lazim kalo birokrasi di Indonesia terkenal ruwet dan lama.. idiom yg dianut aparat birokrasi adalah: Kalau bisa diperlambat, kenapa harus dipercepat… Tapi semua itu akan berubah drastis ketika ada yg namanya: "uang rokok". Segala urusan birokrasi seperti bikin KTP, SIM atau ngurus surat / administrasi di Kantor-kantor dinas, atau malah ketika ditilang, prosesnya akan cepat dan mudah bila ada "uang rokok".

6. Mengurangi jumlah orang miskin. Saat ini sekitar 71% perokok berasal dari kalangan menengah ke bawah. Di Indonesia Rokok adalah kebutuhan rumah tangga kedua terbesar setelah beras, 25% penghasilan rumah tangga rela dihabiskan orang untuk konsumsi rokok. Karena rokok terbukti menimbulkan beragam penyakit mematikan dan menurunkan usia harapan hidup, jika makin banyak orang miskin yang merokok, maka jumlah orang miskin makin berkurang.

7. Bisa membentuk PARTAI PEROKOK INDONESIA dan memenangkan PEMILU. "Sekitar 31,4 persen atau 72,8 juta jiwa penduduk Indonesia adalah perokok," ungkap Tjandra Yoga Aditama, dokter ahli paru-paru dari Rumah Sakit Persahabatan. Bila perokok Indonesia buat partai sendiri maka mereka akan akan bisa memenangkan pemilu.

8. Membantu program Keluarga Berencana. Kerena merokok bisa mengganggu kehamilan dan menyebabkan Impotensi. Selain itu rokok juga dapat menurunkan produksi dan motilitas (kemampuan gerak) sperma. Sehingga bagi perokok yang ternyata kesulitan punya anak silahkan dicoba berhenti merokok, bila masih gagal silahkan berkonsultasi dengan dokter ahli fertilitas.

9. Melatih kesabaran dan menambah semangat pantang menyerah karena bagi pemula merokok itu tidak mudah; batuk-batuk dan tersedak, setelah keenakan dan diteruskan malahan susah berhenti. Sehingga selamat bagi anda yang merokok, mau mulai atau berhenti akan selalu dipenuhi kesusahan dan penuh perjuangan.

10. Anti maling, karena rokok dapat mengakibatkan kerusakan pita suara yang menetap serta keganasan pada lidah, mulut, pita suara, tenggorokan dan paru-paru. Suara perokok yang serak disertai batuk berat di malam hari dipastikan cukup menakutkan untuk menakuti penjahat.

11. Membuat awet muda, karena perokok umumnya meninggal muda. Rokok terbukti dapat mengakibatkan 1001 macam penyakit seperti keganasan, penyakit paru, penyakit jantung, penyakit pembuluh darah, stroke, dsb. Karena hal itu Usia harapan hidup perokok rata-rata lebih rendah dibanding mereka yang tidak merokok.

12. Membantu menyuburkan industri kecantikan. Bayangkan gara-gara rokok parfum yang bisa menyamarkan bau rokok laku keras, gigi yang menguning membutuhkan pasta gigi khusus, kulit yang lebih cepat menua membutuhkan perawatan khusus, rambut yang lebih cepat rontok dan beruban juga akan membutuhkan beragam produk shampoo atau cat rambut.

13. Melaris-maniskan klinik gigi. Asap Rokok mengandung amonia, hidrogen sianida, karbon monoksida, nikotin dan tar – semuanya adalah racun berbahaya. Jika anda merokok coba iseng-iseng lewatkan asap rokok ke tisu putih, tidak lama warnanya akan berubah kuning. Hal yang sama terjadi di gigi, gigi akan berubah kuning dan kelamaan akan menghitam karena timbul karang gigi (kalkulus), ini bisa timbul akibat penumpukan tar / aspal di gigi perokok. Beragam racun yang ada pada asap rokok tadi akan menganggu fungsi tubuh untuk memperbaiki dirinya, efek vasokonstriktif yang ditimbulkan dapat mengganggu peredaran darah sehingga oksigen dan nutrien yang dibutuhkan jaringan gusi terganggu. Proses akhirnya Gigi perokok akan kuning, dipenuhi karang gigi, mudah mengalami infeksi, bau tak sedap (halitosis), dan mudah tanggal dibandingkan mereka yang tidak merokok.

14. Mempermudah proses menyeleksian pegawai. Karena rokok diketahui dapat menimbulkan beragam permasalahan kesehatan perusahaan asiransi pun tidak mau ambil risiko, mereka akan menyeleksi peserta asuransi yang merokok melalui beragam pemeriksaan kesehatan yang lebih banyak untuk menyingkirkan berbagai kelainan yang mungkin dimiliki dan menetapkan premi asuransi yang lebih besar untuk perokok. Risiko mendapat pegawai yang nantinya sakitan dan berpotensi meninggal muda karena rokok terlalu besar untuk ditanggung perusahaan.

15. Mempermudah proses pemilihan pimimpin dalam Pemilu. Beragam penelitian dibidang psikologi telah menemukan bahwa perokok "memiliki kesulitan untuk belajar dan berpikir dalam konsep yang tinggi" dan ketika dihadapkan pada suatu permasalahan "lebih mungkin untuk panik" dibandingkan mereka yang tidak merokok. Jadi jika ingin negara kita benar pilihlah mereka yang tidak merokok.

16. Turut menyukseskan perekonomian (China). Ternyata begitu besarnya kebutuhan Industri Rokok akan tembakau, 1/3 kebutuhan tembakau dalam Negeri masih diimpor dari luar negeri – dan nilai ini terus bertambah setiap tahunnya. Perusahaan rokok yang sudah sangat diuntungkan masih serakah dan ingin mendapat untung besar dengan mengimpor Tembakau dari China yang jauh lebih murah dari harga tembakau dalam negeri.

17. Mencetak banyak konglomerat Indonesia. Ternyata Industri rokok sangat menguntungkan, bayangkan dua bersaudara Michael Budi Hartono & Michael Bambang Hartono pemilik Djarum Super berhasil mengeruk untung yang sangat besar dari pelanggannya yang kebanyakan adalah orang tak mampu, berhasil menguasai raksasa perbankan Indonesia BCA dan menjadi orang 2 terkaya di Indonesia. Konglomerat rokok lainnya yang masuk ke jajaran orang terkaya Indonesia adalah Susilo Wonowidjojo pemilik Gudang Garam dan Putra Sampoerna yang tadinya pemilik HM Sampoerna. Bagaimana dengan para petani tembakau? Tetap miskin dari dulu sampai sekarang. Bagaimana dengan pelanggannya? Semakin miskin dan sakit karena rokok.

18. Rokok turut memajukan kegiatan Sekolah / Kemahasiswaan / Kemasyarakatan, keseniaan / olah raga dan bahkan Industri Musik Indonesia. Jika hendak mengadakan kegiatan silahkan hubungi perusahaan rokok, mereka pasti dengan senang hati akan membantu, syaratnya adalah mereka bisa pasang spanduk rokok dan mengirim SPG cantik untuk turut meramaikan kegiatan. Wah siapa yang akan menolak, tidak perlu penggalangan dana sudah dikasih duit banyak dengan persyaratan ringan. Acara berlangsung sukses sementara booth perusahaan rokok akan dikunjungi banyak orang karena ada pembagian rokok gratis dan ada SPG yang cantik dan menarik. Ini adalah salah satu cara Industri rokok mendapatkan pelanggan tetapnya, anak-anak muda yang masih labil dengan mudah mau mencoba rokok karena teman atau idolanya merokok. Mereka masuk kedalam perangkap Industri Rokok dan akhirnya mmengembangkan ketergantungan seumur hidupnya. Survei Global Youth Tobacco di Indonesia menunjukkan peningkatan prevalensi perokok remaja usia 13-15 naik lebih dari 1,5 lipat selama kurun waktu tiga tahun, yakni dari 12,6 persen tahun 2006 menjadi 20,3 persen tahun 2009.

19. Rokok kemajukan bisnis konstruksi. Karena gara-gara rokok, penyedia gedung publik harus menyediakan ruangan khusus perokok, pemilik cafe & resto juga harus menyediakan ruangan yang terpisah untuk mereka yang merokok dan tidak merokok. Beragam penelitian membuktikan bahwa dampak paparan rokok pasif tidak kalah berbahaya dibandingkan merokok secara aktif. Istri seorang perokok memiliki risiko yang jauh lebih besar untuk mendapatkan kanker paru, bayi yang terpapar asap rokok memiliki risiko yang lebih tinggi untuk meninggal mendadak. Jadi wajarlah bila kami yang tidak merokok seringkali gusar bila tetangga sebelah merokok seenaknya. Jika anda masih berniat untuk merokok silahkan, tapi mohon jangan didekat kami yang tidak merokok atau keluarga anda karena kami punya hak untuk hidup dengan udara yang bersih.

20. Rokok memajukan bisnis periklanan Indonesia. Rokok adalah salah satu produk yang paling banyak diiklankan di Indonesia. Silahkan dicek dijalanan yang anda lalui ada berapa banyak reklame rokok atau warung yang dipasangi iklan rokok. Iklan rokok selalu bercerita tentang rasa setia kawan yang kuat antar perokok pada kenyataannya tanpa rokok pun kita bisa memiliki sahabat baik yang bisa setia. Iklan rokok juga menceritakan kesuksesan yang diraih seseorang karena merokok, pada kenyataannya pola pikir perokok berat pada banyak penelitian terbukti terganggu dibanding mereka yang tidak merokok, para pemilik perusahaan rokok yang benar-benar sukses dan berumur panjang tidak merokok. Orang yang dulu muncul di iklan rokok Marlboro kini adalah aktivis anti rokok sudah meninggal akibat kanker. Berapa banyak iklan layanan masyarakat yang mengingingatkan kita tentang bahaya merokok? Praktis tidak ada. Mudah-mudahan tulisan saya dibaca perokok atau keluarganya sehingga bisa jadi semangat untuk bisa hidup tanpa rokok.

21. Rokok adalah sumber pendapatan negara yang besar, untuk tahun 2013 saja target penerimaan cukai rokok adalah 88 trilyun. Sepertinya besar sekali ya? Walau demikian cukai rokok Indonesia termasuk yang terendah di dunia. Harga rata-rata sebungkus rokok di Indonesia hanya sekitar Rp 10.000 / bungkus – hanya 1/3 harga rokok di malaysia atau 1/8 harga rokok di Singapura. Untuk sebuah produk yang banyak membawa dampak buruk terhadap kesehatan dan menimbulkan ketergantungan yang sulit dihilangkan harga rokok di Indonesia masih terlalu murah sehingga bisa dikonsumsi oleh sebagian besar masyarakat tidak mampu dan bahkan anak-anak.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Man Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.
*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'. It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest. And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu. At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' � which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run, throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu. They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask? Florence Nightingale would have done it

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect) than lots and lots of other things. (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition amongst their friends and colleagues. In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full blown Man-Flu in a female chimp. She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man, The Thundercats and The A-Team combined. They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip, so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder' it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu. Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea, some kind words and your undivided attention and care. Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together!

Friday, January 17, 2014

Technically there are 7 TYPES OF LADIES:

1. HARD DISK lady: Remembers everything forever.
2. RAM lady: Forgets about you the moment you turn off.
3. SCREENSAVER lady: Just for looking.
4. INTERNET lady: Difficult to access.
5. SERVER lady: Always busy when needed
6. MULTIMEDIA lady: Looks beautiful but you can only look.
7. VIRUS lady: This type of lady is normally called 'WIFE', once enters your system, never leaves even if the system is formatted.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

EASY HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

still not ready?

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.

She changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas' and slippers, made herself a coffee and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.
There stood her date.

He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late . . . and you're still not ready?"

difference between slow down and stop

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The
sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Good Answer

Johnny was on high speed, he got to an
Army checkpoint without slowing down, so
they told him to park his car and ordered him
to carry 1,000 blocks from one Side of the
road to the other side. After carrying 990
blocks, Johnny noticed that their boss was his
Primary School classmate Jimmy, so Johnny
went to complain to him, The boss, Jimmy
was really angry with what his Boys did to his
Long time classmate, So he asked Johnny
"have you started carrying the blocks?"
Johnny answered ''I have carried 990 already,
Jimmy said" Please don't be angry, 'RETURN
THEM BACK TO WHERE YOU CARRIED THEM'

Weird Similarities.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."

Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.

Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.

GREAT DEFINITIONS:

SCHOOL :
A place where Parents pay and children play.

LIFE INSURANCE :
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

NURSE :
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

MARRIAGE :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters..

TEAR :
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.

CONFERENCE :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

FATHER :
A banker provided by nature.

CRIMINAL :
A person no different from the rest ....except that he/she got caught.

BOSS :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early !!!!

POLITICIAN :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence there after.

DOCTOR :
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Human Ages

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again, saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... would that be okay? "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So... that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves....

For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years....

we sit on the front porch and 'bark' at everyone.

Friday, January 10, 2014

10 SIMPLE RULES TO DATING MY DAUGHTER:

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.