Difference between man and women

Two Women Friends chatting in office.

Woman 1: I had an awesome evening, how was yours?

Woman 2: It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: How was your evening?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill, so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour; and when we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! After all that, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour.

15 WAYS TO PISS ME OFF: (Hilarious)

ONE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

TWO
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

THREE
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

FOUR
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

FIVE
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No tosser, I paid 10 bucks to come to the movies and stare at the fucking floor.

SIX
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

SEVEN
When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

EIGHT
When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

NINE
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

TEN
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears!

ELEVEN
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

TWELVE
People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

THIRTEEN
McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks..........Well, I'll get a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fuckin McTosser.

FOURTEEN
When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off!

FIFTEEN
When people say 'can I borrow a piece of paper I'll pay you back' It's one god damn piece of paper you retards, I don't want it back!

Dialog Dengan Hantu

Dialog Dengan Hantu
_____

0RANG: "Mengapa anda sering menakut-nakuti manusia tetapi anda juga cepet menghilang ?"

HANTU: "Kami hanya ingin berkenalan dgn orang & mengadakan bisnis antar lain dunia, tetapi ketika kami baru menyapa kebanyakan mereka langsung kabur. mungkin karena sangking jeleknya"

ORANG: "Tapi mengapa anda sering muncul di kamera" ?"

HANTU: "Kalau hal itu kami hanya ingin eksis saja didunia manusia. Karena didunia hantu tidak ada kamera, jadi pas ada acara yg berbau mistis kami kami tampil deh, biar eksis kaya artis hantu lainya seperti:
SUSTER NGESOT,
SIMANIS JEMBATAN ANCOL,
POCONG dll".

ORANG: "Apakah didunia hantu tdk ada internet ?"

HANTU: "Kalau didunia hantu ada internet, kami akan nengupload sendiri foto" kami."

ORANG: "Ini yg sering terjadi, mengapa anda sering merasuki raga seseorang ?"

HANTU: "Kami melakukan hal itukepada orang yg pikiranya kosong & jika kami masuk kan minimal kami dapat berfikir dgn pikiran manusia. Ya maklumlah IQ kami tdk lebih dari 20."

ORANG: "Ohya, mengapa anda sering bersemayam d pohon" besar ?"

HANTU: "Ide itu kami dapatkan pada ilmu biologi yg mengatakan bahwa tumbuhan bernafas megeluarkan karbon dioksida & mengeluarkan oksigen. Jadi kami bersemayam dipohon" besar karena udaranya sangat sejuk."

ORANG: "Anda juga kedapatan sering menghuni rumah" kosong, bagaimana anda menjelaskanya?"

HANTU: "Anda tahu sendiri kontrakan mahal. Jadi terpaksa deh kami menghuni rumah" kosong."

ORANG: "Terimakasih banyak atas kehadiran anda."

HANTU: "Ya sama" capcus ciiin."


Gilaaaaaa kalah gaul gue ma Hantu,
Dasar hantu Gila Loe !
Hahahaaa

Berikut tips arus balik yang akan kami paparkan untuk anda.

1. Jika menggunakan Pesawat atau
Kapal Laut, usahakan jangan turun
ditengah perjalanan.

2. Jika menggunakan Bis, pastikan
wujudnya Panjang, Rodanya gede
dan banyak jg Banyak Jendelanya, Jika tdk, boleh jadi itu cuma Odong2

3. Hati2 terhadap Penumpang yg
Berbaik Hati menawarkan
Minuman/Makanan. Usahakan
minta "Mentahnya" aja biar aman
sekalian buat sangu.

4. Untuk meminimalisasi gendam/
Hipnotis usahakan jgn menatap
Mata Orang yg blm dikenal. Jika dia
Wanita tatap Dadanya saja

Great One Liners to think about. Have you got a favourite?

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights still work.

THINGS MY CHILDREN HAVE TAUGHT ME:

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Playdough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Superglue is forever- especially in hair.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in town has a 5-minute response time to my house.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

“Who is the most obedient?"

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."