Saturday, January 26, 2013

A Cleaver Ex-Wife

After 37 years of marriage. Jake dumped his wife for his Young secretary.

His new girlfriend demanded that they live in Jake and Edith's multi-million dollar home and since the man's lawyers were a little better he prevailed.

He gave Edith his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the 1st day packing her belongings into boxes crates and suitcases.

On the 2nd day she had to movers come and collect her things.

On the 3rd day she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished she went into each and every room and stuffed half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of all of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly the house began to smell. They tried everything cleaning mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even replaced the expensive wool carpeting. NOTHING WORKED.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairman refused to work in the house.

The Maid quit.

Finally they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later even through they had cut their price in half they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house ha been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

INCLUDING THE CURTAIN RODS. ;)

http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/

Friday, January 25, 2013

Don't be fooled by trick photography son!!

http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/

PSYCHIATRISTS vs BAR TENDER

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under my bed. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the psychiatrist. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?
Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you, I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? he asked.
Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.

Is that so! With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me....

to CUT THE LEGS OFF THE BED, ain't nobody under there now!

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BAR TENDER.:)

http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

If Live was a Computer Program

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night
10.3, Football 5.0 , Goingtothepub 7.5 , and Softball 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .. Please
help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

____________ _________ _________ _______
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an
OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from
the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/
Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on
improving the situation. I suggest installing the background
application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE!
because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance
. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and
Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this
happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to
purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0
!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Telepon NERAKA Tarif Lokal

Pada suatu pertemuan di Washington seorang pejabat Indonesia bertemu dengan pengusaha raksasa produsen telpon genggam. Cerita punya cerita sang produsen menawarkan produknya, sebuah HandPhone GSM yang bisa digunakan menghubungi kemana saja termasuk ke surga dan neraka.
Pejabat tersebut akhirnya mencoba menghubungi Istri pertama yang telah meninggal akibat STROKE....
Sang Pejabat tersebut bertanya pada si Pengusaha Amerika ini, tentang berapa harus membayar untuk pembicaraan 3 menit tadi. sang Pejabat harus membayar US$200 ,ternyata mahal juga . tapi tak apalah ...
Akhirnya Sang Pejabat tertarik membeli HP sejenis dan membawanya pulang ke Indonesia. Sampai di Indonesia dia menghubungi sang istrinya yang sudah meninggal tadi. Setelah berbicara hampir 1 jam dicek bahwa pembicaraan itu hanya menghabiskan US$10. Langsung dia menghubungi Si Pengusaha Amerika tadi: "Mrs yang bener aja kemarin di Amerika saya pakai cuma tiga menit harus bayar US$200, di sini saya coba pakai 1 jam cuma US$10."
Si Pengusaha Amerika dengan santainya menjawab, "Ya tentu saja...Indonesia khan dekat dengan NERAKA, tarifnya juga Lokal".

http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/

Monday, January 14, 2013

Relaxing

One day Bongani was enjoying the sun in South Beach in Durban .
A lady came and asked him, "Are you relaxing?"
Bongani answered, "No, I am Bongani ."
Another guy came and asked him the same question.
Bongani answered, "No! No! I'm Bongani!"
A third one came and asked him the same question again.
Bongani was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place.
While walking he saw a certain guy soaking in the sun.
He went up to him and asked, "Are you Relaxing?"
This guy was a lot more educated and answered, "Yes, I am relaxing."
Bongani slapped him in his face and said,
"Shit, you lazy bastard... Everyone is looking for you and here you're lazing in the sun!!!

http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Mental Hospital Automated Directory

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following menu options:

If you are obsessive-compu lsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressiv e, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, please press 969696969696969 6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, please don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

http://koningsberg.blogspot.com/
http://sugiatno-ceritalucu.blogspot.com/