17 types of people on facebook:

1) The "Lurker" - Never posts anything or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status if they... see you in public.
... ...
2) The "Hyena" - Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
...
3) "Mr/Ms Popular" - Has 4367 friends for NO reason

4) The "Gamer" - Plays Poker, Candy Crush, Farmville, Bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc., ALL DAY.)

5)The "Prophet" - Every post makes reference to God or Jesus

6) The "Thief" - Steals status updates.. and will probably steal this one.

7) The "Cynic" - Hates their life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of their status updates.

8) The "Collector" - Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.

9) The "Promoter" - Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.

10) The "Liker" - Never actually says anything, buy always clicks the "like" button

11) The "Hater" - Every post revolves around someone hating on them, and they swear people are trying to ruin their life

12) The "Anti-Proofreader" - This person would benefit greatly from Spellcheck, and sometimes you feel bad for them because you don't know if they were typing fast, or really cant spell.

13) "Drama Queen/ King" - This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!", or "They gonna make me snap today!", in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong...but then they never finish telling the story.

14) "Womp Womp" - This person consistently tries to be funny...but never is.

15) The "News" - Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary

16) The "Rooster" - Feels that it is their job to tell Facebook "Good Morning" every day.

17) The "Weatherman" - Always has to inform you about the weather outside, as if you're locked in a padded cell without windows.

Women are so much smarter than men

When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, ...




three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Nasehat dan petuah bijak

● Berhentilah menuntut ilmu, karena ilmu tidak bersalah.
● Jangan membalas budi karena belum tentu budi yang melakukannya.
● Jangan mengarungi lautan, karena karung lebih cocok untuk beras.
● Berhenti juga menimba ilmu, karena ilmu tidak ada di dalam sumur
● Yang paling penting, jangan lupa daratan, karena kalau lupa daratan akan tinggal dimana...???
● Jangan ngurusin orang karena belum tentu orang itu pengen kurus.
● Dan janganlah bangga menjadi atasan. Karena di Pasar Turi atasan 10rb dapat 3

In The Court

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Foolish Rich Man

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him.
"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says,
"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"

The Importance of the BRA:

Q: Which is the striped BRA?
zeBRA
Q: Poisonous BRA?
coBRA
Q: Mathematical BRA?
algeBRA
Q: Sunsign BRA?
liBRA
Q: Magical BRA?
aaBRA ka daBRA
Q: Religious BRA?
BRAhmin
Q: Metallic bra?
BRAss
Q: Anjelina Jolie's Bra?
BRAd Pitt
Q: Botany BRA?
BRAnch
Q: Marketing BRA?
BRAnd
Q: Puctuation bra?
BRAcket
Q: A room where BRA's are kept?
LiBRAry
Q: Bra which became the American President and inspired the whole world?
aBRAham Lincoln
Q: Which bra is very important for any vehicle?
BRAke

AND U THOUGHT ONLY WOMEN USE BRA, How BRAin less.

How to get rid of telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up… louder… louder!

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.