After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up.
She changed from her dinner dress into pyjamas' and slippers, made herself a coffee and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang.
There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late . . . and you're still not ready?"
Saturday, January 11, 2014
difference between slow down and stop
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff. He thinks he's smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an sheriff from West Virginia. The
sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
sheriff asks for license and registration. The lawyer asks, "What for?" The sheriff responds, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." The lawyer says, "I slowed down and no one was coming." "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration please," say the sheriff impatiently. The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." The sheriff says, "That sounds fair, please exit your vehicle." The lawyer steps out and the sheriff takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it. The sheriff says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
Good Answer
Johnny was on high speed, he got to an
Army checkpoint without slowing down, so
they told him to park his car and ordered him
to carry 1,000 blocks from one Side of the
road to the other side. After carrying 990
blocks, Johnny noticed that their boss was his
Primary School classmate Jimmy, so Johnny
went to complain to him, The boss, Jimmy
was really angry with what his Boys did to his
Long time classmate, So he asked Johnny
"have you started carrying the blocks?"
Johnny answered ''I have carried 990 already,
Jimmy said" Please don't be angry, 'RETURN
THEM BACK TO WHERE YOU CARRIED THEM'
Army checkpoint without slowing down, so
they told him to park his car and ordered him
to carry 1,000 blocks from one Side of the
road to the other side. After carrying 990
blocks, Johnny noticed that their boss was his
Primary School classmate Jimmy, so Johnny
went to complain to him, The boss, Jimmy
was really angry with what his Boys did to his
Long time classmate, So he asked Johnny
"have you started carrying the blocks?"
Johnny answered ''I have carried 990 already,
Jimmy said" Please don't be angry, 'RETURN
THEM BACK TO WHERE YOU CARRIED THEM'
Weird Similarities.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called "Lincoln" made by "Ford."
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.
GREAT DEFINITIONS:
SCHOOL :
A place where Parents pay and children play.
LIFE INSURANCE :
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
NURSE :
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
MARRIAGE :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters..
TEAR :
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.
CONFERENCE :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
FATHER :
A banker provided by nature.
CRIMINAL :
A person no different from the rest ....except that he/she got caught.
BOSS :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early !!!!
POLITICIAN :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence there after.
DOCTOR :
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
A place where Parents pay and children play.
LIFE INSURANCE :
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
NURSE :
A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
MARRIAGE :
It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters..
TEAR :
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power.
CONFERENCE :
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
FATHER :
A banker provided by nature.
CRIMINAL :
A person no different from the rest ....except that he/she got caught.
BOSS :
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early !!!!
POLITICIAN :
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence there after.
DOCTOR :
A person who holds your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Human Ages
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again, saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... would that be okay? "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So... that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves....
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years....
we sit on the front porch and 'bark' at everyone.
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God, again, saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... would that be okay? "Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So... that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves....
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years....
we sit on the front porch and 'bark' at everyone.
Friday, January 10, 2014
10 SIMPLE RULES TO DATING MY DAUGHTER:
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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