How to determine

During a visit to a mental hospital, a medical student asked the Doctor, "How do u determine whether or not, a patient should be admitted?"

"Well",said the Doctor,"We fill a bathtub, then we give a teaspoon,a teacup & a bucket to the patient n ask him to empty the bathtub."

The student said,"Oh, a normal person wud use the bucket cz its bigger."

"No,"said the Doctor,"A n0rmal person wud pull the drain plug.Now, which bed do u want??" ;)

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The Periodic Table

A new element has been added to the PERIODIC TABLE:
Name: Girl
Symbol: Gl

Atomic weight:
Don't even dare to ask.

Physical properties:
1. Boils at any time,
2. Melts when handled with love and care,
3. very bitter when mishandled.
4. Feels uneasy when placed near a better atom

Chemical properties:
1. Very reactive,
2. Highly unstable,
3. Possesses high affinity to gold, platinum diamond, branded clothes and other expensive items.

Nature:
1. Money reducing agent.
2. Volatile when left alone.

Occurrence:
Mostly found around you

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Be a programmer

A Boy Got Caught In Class Throwing Paper Airplanes.
Teacher Gave Him Punishment To Write 5000 Times "I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes In Class." And Submit It Tomorrow.

Next Day, He Submitted The Paper Written

#Include
#Include
Void Main( )
{
Clrscr( );Int N;
For( N=1 ; N<=5000 ; N++ )
Printf("I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes In Class");
Getch( );
}

Be A Programmer... ;->
Think Differently!

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Who said car names don't have a meaning?

BMW? Brings Me Women??

FIAT? Failure in Italian Automotive Technology:O

FORD? For Only Rough Drivers;;)

HYUNDAI? Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive=D

VOLVO? Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object:s

PORSCHE? Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything(n)

KIA? Kills In Accidents/:)

OPEL? Old People Enjoying Life#:-s ?

TOYOTA? The One You Only Trust, Always - :| don't believe that one?

GOLF/GTI? Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside\=D/

HONDA? Hung Over, Now Driving Away:|

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KOSA-KATA MONYET.....!!!

Monyet = Kong

Raja Monyet = King Kong

Rapat para Monyet = Kong Gres

Komplotan Monyet = Kong Kali Kong

Monyet Ngobrol = Kong Kow

Kerjasama Monyet = Kong Si

Pantat Monyet = Bo Kong

Monyet Kaya = Kong Lomerat

Monyet Banyak Duit = Cu Kong

Kota Tempat Kumpul monyet" = Hong Kong

Monyet Keras Kepala = Mo Kong

Biskuit Monyet = Kong Goan

Minta dukungan Monyet = So Kong
Yang ℓåģì serius baca ini = Sun Go Kong.....(Gak boleh marah yaaa..) =D

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Dasar dokter

Dokter: "Sakit apa?"
Udin: "Saya suka pusing2, Dok"
Dokter: "Kalau suka, ya diterusin aja ..."

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WHY PARENTS SHOULD NOT TEXT...

Mom: Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?
Son: I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.
Mom: It's ok, don't worry about it...I'll ask your Sister, Love you too.
*****
Dad: Son, I have a Facebook account now...accept my friend request.
Son: You're on Facebook now? WTF!!!
Dad: What does WTF mean?
Son: Ohhh...It means, Welcome To Facebook, Dad.
*****
Mom: Son, your grandmother passed away an hour ago. LOL
Son: How is that funny, mom?
Mom: What do you mean, Peter...surely it is not funny!
Son: Mom, LOL means: Laugh Out Loud!
Mom: Oh, No! I thought it meant: Lots Of Love...
I'll have to call everyone back and explain

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FACT of GOOGLE: . .

50% of the people use it well as a search engine..!!
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
The other 50% of the people use it to check if their internet is connected or not !!

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Truth's About Men & Women

A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need

A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change but she does

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O'owww...

With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go"! The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides".

"Why" asked the pilot?

"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN", he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots".

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor"?

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Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.

Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?

Father: Ok ask.

Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

Father: !!!??????!!!

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Reason for withdrawing

All Samsung Officials Are Withdrawing Their Children From School,
As The First Thing
Children Are Being Taught Is ___
.
.
.
'A for Apple'

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Impact of Job Change

A taxi passenger touches the driver on shoulder to ask something

Driver screamed , lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop

The driver said:
"Don't ever do that again, you scared me"

Passenger apologized n said:
"I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"

Driver replied:
"Sorry, it's not your fault, it's my first day as a Cab driver, I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 years

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A Nasty Cough

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Diary of a blonde

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Office MATH

(Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT

(Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION

(Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION

(Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME

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NOTICE

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices.

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice.

We notice that some of our notices have been noticed.

On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed.

This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable.

This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

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Watch what you Wish or Preach!

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their facilities in response to an increase in their ever-growing business, whereupon the local Baptist Church, across the street, started a campaign to block the whorehouse from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening daily prayer meetings. Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the fire, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

So, late last week, 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the brothel's owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

During the trial, the crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and then declared,

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit!"

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Some Statistics

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Origin of the family

A little girl asked her Dad, "How did the human race appear?"
The Dad answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her father and said, "Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and mom said they developed from monkeys?"

The father answered, "Well, Dear, it's very simple. I told you...

about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers."

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Marilyn Monroe Statue

Marilyn Monroe Statue at Chicago, USA. It saves people from the rain

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What kills you quick

In Japan, the fat intake in the average Japanese diet is very low and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

However, in France, the average fat intake is very high, and yet, the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In India almost no one drinks red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Spain, everybody drinks too much red wine and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Algeria, the average sexual activity ratio is very high and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Brazil, everybody has sex like crazy and the heart disease ratio is lower than in North America and the UK.

In Austria, adults smoke 2 packs of cigarettes per day, on average.

Conclusion: Drink, eat, smoke and screw all you want. It's speaking English that kills you.

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Good painting?

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Spider-Man misses

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dividing...

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh, my goodness!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The old man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!"

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..." The old man hispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

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Be carefull what you wish for...

A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90!

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Question and answer about pregnancy

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A.. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college!

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CLASSIC DEFINITIONS:

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: A grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

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Warning adult humor:

A man is driving down a deserted
stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST.. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you! my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in
the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER .

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Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

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This one is specially For Ladies :)

After a meeting I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room... it wasnt there.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is, the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory
is that the car will be stolen. Immediately I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, car number and description of the place where I parked etc. I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband!!! "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these.
"I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." :$

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I manage to convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car."!!!>:O

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